The Fairest of Them All
by Miss Lavender Sky
Summary: A Snow White Story that's a little bit silly, a little bit weird, and a little bit funny.


Everyone was happy about the new baby

Everyone was happy about the new baby. Well, almost everyone. There was a queen who was very much not happy about the baby girl. And this queen was the baby's mother.

There were two main things that the queen did not like about her.

The first was that she thought that babies and children took up way too much time. No one had the time for them, especially an important queen like herself.

Secondly, this baby was very pretty. She had white skin- white, like the snow that kept falling on her mother's Porsche every winter- ruby red lips, like a maraschino cherry that people put on their ice-cream sundaes, and black hair, as black as the oil that cost so much that only people like the queen could afford to use it.

That was why she didn't like her kid. Well, mostly why. Part of it was that she was just a mean, old spiteful lady, and there was no explaining that part.

And the witch was very vain. She was pretty though, so at least she had something to be vain about. She had won many beauty pageants in her time, and had once been "Miss Fairy-Tale."

So, naturally, she made sure to have lots of mirrors around to look at herself in. There was one mirror in particular that had been brought to her that amused her.

When they had brought it to her, she had wanted it sent away. It looked cheap, and for a child, so why had they tried to give it to her?

But then they told her. "It's a magic mirror," they had said. "It tells you who is the prettiest girl in the whole kingdom."

She liked the sound of this. She took it and examined it. "Mirror, Mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all?"

A face popped up. "Old Uncle Pat. Everyone he plays with cheats, but he never does. He's definitely the fairest I know."

The Queen glared at the mirror in anger. "Okay," she said. ""Mirror, Mirror on the wall, who's the prettiest girl of them all?"

"Snow White," he replied, smug. "Yep, she's definitely the prettiest. You know maybe you should enter her in one of those beauty contests you were always in. She could take over for you as 'Miss Fairy-Tale.'"

The Queen felt herself growing very angry. She left the room to do the one thing that calmed her down. But even an hour of yoga didn't help, so she knew what she had to do.

She found the person who had brought her the mirror. He was her sidekick, her main servant. "Take her away, and kill her," said the witch.

"Um, how?" asked the man.

The Queen threw her arms up in the air, exasperated. "How should I know? Do I look like I've ever killed someone before?" The man wanted to say yes, she did, but he didn't want to be the first person she did end up killing.

"Okay then," he said, running out of the room.

He grabbed the girl by the arm. "Where are you taking me?" she demanded.

"Um, nowhere," he replied. He blindfolded the girl and took her in his car. He drove to some part of the forest where he could make sure no one would find her.

"Stay here," he said.

She glared at him. "Why would I stay here?" she asked. "The second you drive away, I'm leaving." He seemed confused, but took off anyway.

Snow White walked around for a bit before she saw a tent, It was a circus tent, and she didn't want to really go in there, but she was exhausted.

When she went in, she found a bed. She laid down on it, although it was much too short, and fell asleep.

Suddenly, she was awoken by the noises of people all around her. She blinked and saw seven strange little men looking at her, and, at once, it occurred to her that this circus tent was probably theirs.

"Hello," she said, trying to be as cheery as she could.

They did not look very cheery, however.

"Who are you?" one of them asked.

"Yeah!" said another.

"What are you doing here?" asked another one.

"Yeah!" said another.

"Hear, hear!" shouted another.

All of the seven little men turned to look at that one. He was the most well dressed of them all, but looked a little silly. He wore a badge that distinguished him as a writer.

"Hear, hear?" asked the one who had spoken first. "Who says that anymore? I mean, really!"

They all turned their attention back to Snow White.

"Anyway…" said the one who had spoken first, with emphasis. "Who are you and what are you doing here?"

Snow White looked at him, then the other six little men surrounding him, and wondered whether or not she could trust them.

Then again, they could probably sue her for trespassing, and she could be sent to the dungeons for a while, so she didn't really have much of a choice there, now did she?

"Well," she said, pursing her lips. "My name's Snow White. I am here because my mother's kind of off her rocker. She pretty much hates me and wanted her butler to kill me. But her butler is actually an okay guy, so, instead of killing me, he dropped me off in the middle of the forest. I wandered around and found this circus tent. So I stayed. And then you guys woke me up and started interrogating me!" she said, with emphasis, to show that she was not happy about how they were questioning her.

"Oh," said the first little man. "Sorry about that."

"That's okay," Snow White replied. She usually forgave people pretty easily. Even people who had tried to kill her, which meant she would have pretty much forgotten or not cared about what her mother and her butler had had in store for her by tomorrow.

It just didn't matter. Why drag things on, you know?

"So," said the little man. "You're Snow White, and you're here 'cause you're mom's out to get you?" he asked, as if he was just making sure.

Snow White nodded eagerly. "Yep. That's pretty much the gist of it."

"Hmm…that's an interesting case," said one of the little men.

"And how does that make you feel?" asked another.

Snow White studied him for a second, pursing her lips, and replied, "Not so hot."

"I see," answered the little man, as he wrote something down in a small, leather bound notebook.

"Well," said the little man who had spoken first. "It looks like you'll be around a while, so we might as well all get to know everyone here."

Snow White nodded. It was difficult to look at each little man and know them only as "little man." Not only was it difficult, it was actually proving to be quite annoying.

"Yes," she said. "That'd be nice."

"Okay, then," said the little man who had spoken first. "I am Leader."

He waited until she had looked at him, as if to remember him with his new name, and nodded.

"That's why I'm kind of like the leader here," he added.

Snow White nodded, rolling her eyes. That much she had understood. She wasn't stupid, after all.

"This here is Therapy," said Leader. He pointed to the little man who had asked her the question about how her mother wanting to kill her made her feel. Figured.

"This is Shakespeare," Leader said, not looking too happy about introducing the smartly dressed little man. It was the man who had said, "Hear, hear" earlier, and just the sight of him made Snow White want to laugh…just a little, though.

"This is Doctor," he said, and the one who had mentioned that Snow White's story was "an interesting case" raised his hand and waved.

When he came to the next little man, he stopped, and he gave out a little involuntary groan. "Are you sure you want to know him?" he asked Snow White, a questioning look on his face. Then, in a whisper, he added, "Most people don't."

The other little men snickered.

The one that Leader was reluctant to introduce shook his fist at the rest of them, shouting, "Hey! I could sue you for this! This is harassment, that's what this is!"

Leader gave a sigh. "This," he said. "This is-" he groaned again- "Lawyer."

Snow White suppressed a laugh.

"Well, he's feisty, I'll give him that," she whispered to Leader, making him, too, suppress a giggle.

"And," he said. "Finally, these two are twins."

He jerked his thumb over at two of the smallest of the little men. They were playing a small card game, and were not remotely aware of what was going on with the other five little men and Snow White.

"They are Ignorance and Stupidity."

Snow White took this in.

Leader spoke again. "Their real names are Fool and Dopey, but no one calls them that. They call them Ignorance and Stupidity. Well, actually, when they're not listening- which is most of the time, to be honest with you- we all mostly call them Dumb and Dumber. You can call them that to their faces too, and they'll answer. One of 'em's too stupid to realize what the name means, and the others too ignorant to realize that anyone's making fun of him or his brother."

Snow White lifted her eyebrows. This was a very odd place she had been dumped in. Then again, wasn't she talking to short, tiny little men in a circus tent? Did it even get much odder than that?

"Well, if you don't mind me staying here for a while," she said, "That would be absolutely brilliant."

"No, we don't mind," said Leader.

"Thou hast not stayed in quite such friendlier places such as thee will now," Shakespeare said.

Snow White looked at him quizzically. "What on earth," she asked, lowering her voice to a whisper, "is that man saying?"

"He says that you have not ever stayed in such a friendlier place and we are happy to have you," replied Leader- he was the only one who could decode any of Shakespeare's incoherent ramblings.

Snow White stayed for a few days with the little men.

It turned out, they would actually loot the nearby caves for lost diamonds that wealthy travelers had left behind on their trips to the caverns.

"People don't honestly leave diamonds out in the middle of a cavern whenever they leave, right? I mean, if it does happen, it can't happen very often, can it?" Snow White asked, upon hearing what the seven little men did for a living.

"You'd be surprised," Therapy answered, as he walked by.

One time, Snow White went with them, and she determined that the reason they had found so many diamonds in the caverns was not because people had just left them behind on accident.

They were mining in real live diamond mines.

"Do you realize the significance of this?" Snow White asked them, once she saw the armfuls of diamonds in the caverns. "You could be richer than me, than my whole family, and we're royalty, for Pete's sake!"

The little men stared at her in silence until Stupidity spoke up. "Who is Pete?" he asked.

A particularly sunny day came around, when the little men were out getting richer and richer, and Snow White was still inside the circus tent, since, as she mentioned to the little men, the caverns were simply too dirty for royalty. Though, she did mention, she would not object to them bringing her back some of the diamonds.

There was a knock on the door of the circus tent.

There had been a door set up outside the circus tent since, as it was a tent, there was no place firm and sturdy enough for someone to knock on. The door was set up for the sole purpose for someone to come and knock upon it.

Rarely did people bother though, since, form the outside, it appeared just to be your regular old, abandoned orange and purple striped circus tent with small little men going in and out of it.

But the queen had been looking in her mirror. It, besides mentioning who was the fairest, and who was the prettiest (too very different things), told her almost anything else she wanted to know- which was a lot at this point.

"Mirror, Mirror on the wall, who's the prettiest of them all?" she asked.

"Snow White," the mirror responded.

"Nu-uh!" screamed the queen furiously. "I am! I am! I am! I am!" she ranted.

"Nope; it's still Snow White," the mirror broke in.

"How can that be?" she asked. "She's dead!"

"Not exactly," the mirror replied.

"Yes, she is! I told my butler to get rid of her!"

"And you're sure the butler killed her?" the mirror responded.

The queen stopped. "Well, er, no, not exactly."

The mirror replied, "Well, then, she is alive, and the prettiest of all."

"Can you tell me where she is?" the queen asked, a sudden gleam of hope in her eyes.

"No," the mirror responded. "Only who is the fairest or the prettiest."

But the queen saw the flicker of secrecy in the mirror.

"No," she said. "You're lying. I can tell."

"I- well…uh…I," the mirror stuttered.

"Aha!" the queen said. "Tell me where that brat is otherwise you'll be broken into a hundred pieces exactly!"

"Seven years bad luck is really a lot, you know. You may want to rethink the-" the mirror started nervously.

"Tell me!" the queen said, her eyes murderous.

"The circus tent of the seven little men!" the mirror said, his voice wavering in terror.

"The circus tent," the queen said. There was a hint of malice in her eyes. "Let's see what to do now…"

And here she was, knocking on the door placed outside the circus tent.

Now, Snow White had been told not to answer the door. Often, hunters had heard about the little men's treasure and had wanted to steal it.

But as Snow White looked out the flap in the tent that served as a window, she saw that it was just an older lady.

She wasn't the most attractive lady Snow White had ever seen, but she wasn't terrible-looking.

Plus, she seemed genuinely sweet.

"Yes?" Snow White responded.

"My dear," the queen- disguised as an old lady, in case you didn't catch that- said in a quiet, frail voice. "I am looking for the way out of the forest. I wandered away from my cottage, and ended up here. My cottage is just right outside of the forest."

"Oh, you poor thing," Snow White said. "Here, you just walk until you get to that big maple, then go left and walk for a while, and you'll come to the opening in the forest," she said, pointing to each place as she said them.

"Thank you, my dear," said the old woman.

"You're welcome; anything I can do to help," Snow White responded.

"For your generosity, you can have one of the apples from my basket," the old woman said.

Snow White thought it was odd that this woman had apples, since the apples in the kingdom would not be ripe for another three weeks, but the old woman seemed so sincere that she trusted her.

"Thank you," Snow White responded, taking a large green apple out of the woman's basket.

"Try it!" the old woman said encouragingly. "I always like to know if people like the apples I grow."

Snow White took a bite. It was delicious, but she felt herself growing light-headed.

It must be from all this time I'm spending outdoors, she thought to herself.

"You're so beautiful," said the old woman.

"Thank you," said Snow White.

Snow White's vision became blurring, and a dull, roaring sound filled her ears.

Quickly, the old woman's form was changing into that of her mother.

"Too bad you have to die!" she screamed, and Snow White's mind went black.

The seven little men came home and saw Snow White passed out on the ground beside the door.

Doctor took a look at her and saw that it was poison.

"If she does not wake up by tomorrow at sunset, she will likely sleep forever," he told the six other little men.

The seven little men were angered at this, and talked all night about what they could do to help their newfound friend.

Finally, a solution was proposed.

It was, shockingly enough, Shakespeare who came up with the idea.

"In my experience," he said, with growing enthusiasm. "True love is the cure for everything.

"Oh, thanks, Einstein," said Lawyer. "Now, the problem's fixed."

"And what are you proposing?" Therapy asked.

"That we have her true love find her and kiss her and she will wake up," Shakespeare replied.

"That's a great idea!" said Leader. "Let's try it!" They all searched the whole kingdom, but could not find someone worthy of Snow White.

It was Ignorance and Stupidity that actually came up with the idea.

"Why not the butler?" asked Stupidity.

"Well, that's a stupid answer!" replied Lawyer.

"He was good enough not to kill her, even though he knew he'd surely get in trouble with the queen," said Ignorance. "Plus, I have a feeling he kind of likes her. Not killing someone is a pretty nice thing to do, if you know what I mean."

"Ignorance! You paid attention!" Leader said. "And Stupidity! You've thought up something smart!"

"I always knew you had it in you two!" rejoiced Therapy.

"And we have cure for Snow White!" Doctor said!

"Yes," Shakespeare said joyfully. "True love's kiss." He paused. "Or…at least…true love's first not killing someone even when they knew they were going to get in trouble for it!"

And they all clapped their hands three times, and ran off to find the butler.

The butler was delighted when he found out what the seven little men wanted.

"Of course! Of course!" he said.

Apparently, Ignorance was right. The butler had liked Snow White.

They ran back to the circus tent with the butler, who kissed Snow White.

She woke up, and, after they explained why the man who had almost killed her was kissing her, she was quite delighted and excited.

Back at the castle, the queen went to her mirror.

"Mirror, mirror on the wall: who's the prettiest of them all," she asked, in a very grand air.

"Snow White," the mirror replied.

The queen's jaw dropped and her eyes widened. "No! I killed her! I watched her die! Earlier today!" she shouted.

"Nope. It's still Snow White," responded the mirror. "Ha ha for you, loser."

The queen picked up a small hammer, which had somehow found a dangerous spot- the queen's room- and was now in an even more dangerous spot- the queen's hands.

The mirror laughed until he saw her coming. Then he just looked terrified.

"No! No! Please don't!" the mirror shouted.

Right as she was about to deliver the deathblow to the mirror, she was struck from behind.

She collapsed on the floor. Standing beside her was the butler, who's name turned out to be Jacob, but Snow White always called him Jake, or sometimes even Jakey.

He'd knocked her upside the head with a skillet he'd found in the kitchen. It made for a nice weapon.

Standing beside him was his new, lovely bride-to-be Snow White.

So, this is how everything- and everyone- turned out:

Jacob and Snow White got married. One year later, they had a baby. They named her Cinderella, and hoped that she would have an adventure in her life, and would eventually meet her Prince Charming.

She did.

But you can read about that in another story.

Jacob and Snow White became king and queen. The kingdom saw that their former queen was not fit to rule, and Snow White's father graciously gave up his title for his daughter Snow White and her new husband Jacob.

As for the queen, she spent the rest of her days growing and picking apples- like the ones she'd offered to Snow White, except without the poison.

The seven little men watched her and kept an eye on her, while, at the same time, earning money for the kingdom by mining for diamonds.

In the end, things turned out…

Well, you know the words.

Of course you do.

Things turned out happily ever after.

THE END!


End file.
